This is all very confusing now.?

Sure, anger and frustration are normal, at any age. Keep controlling your anger, vent it as you've been doing through exercise. What I do want to mention, in reference to your anecdote, live for yourself. Honor is NOT achieved or attained through reclamation of the past. It is acquired through present day life and activities. Live for yourself, morally and ethically. Living for the past is like spinning your wheels in the mud...and going no where.